Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it—in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”
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别叫我和桑的评论Thought provoking indeed. 跟她的前作Mating in Captivity比起来,这本书是基于前作并更加专攻infidelity。Esther Perel在这一方面真的是我的偶像了,每次看她的书听她的podcast都学到好多。她给的观点都相当客观,都有现实案例来支撑。Infidelity可以让情侣们学到很多,但她并不建议大家走这条路去吸取教训;polyamory不是毫无规矩的纵欲,他们也有自己遵循的一套法则;很多时候infidelity是基于沟通失败,权力关系失衡等等的缘由;有的关系可以在经历外遇后存活,有的则不能,所以根本没有一个完美的解决方案。最重要的还是明白恋爱关...
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Gary Sun的评论4.5 Perel opens up a taboo conversation that should've been held a long time ago. With her professional, profound and insightful prose, Perel seeks to neither judge the unfaithful nor justify the action of philandering; her kind and wise words encourage us to take a dual perspective and anticipate the most imponderables. Highly recommended.
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那我懂你意思了的评论只要能制造一个讨论的缺口就足够了
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water的评论existential affair的说法有意思,关系性质彼此明确的话,affair源于个人的existential crisis. 修补关系的沟通:分析需求而非执迷细节,investigative instead of detective approach.
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未时的评论"All suffering prepares one for vision" // 故事想起来都心碎,道理讨论起来又眼界大开(所以relationship的参与者都是在深挖“自我”+negotiate customized contract,要不然怎么说relationship is so hard...啊我的脑子要坏掉了)
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Nova的评论很好的两性关系解读,无论是否出轨,都很有帮助。 书摘在此: https://readings.posthaven.com/the-end-of-jobs-by-taylor-pearson-by-esther-perel
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paradox的评论尽管案例有些杂乱,但是从中引出的观点和问题非常引人深思。很欣赏作者的态度:审慎和客观地检视每段关系,不妄下结论或贴标签,巧妙地发问,且富有同理心。她的podcast也很棒。//书在快结尾的时候提到 “Marriage without virginity was once inconceivable. So, too, sex without marriage. We are touching the new frontier, where sex outside can live within a marriage.” 不禁感叹我们真的太落后了…
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北楼鬼的评论想把孔老夫子的话变个顺序说,未知死焉知生。没想到是一本探讨affair的书反而给我带来了关于婚姻、两性关系等话题颇不一样的洞见和启示。敏感的议题,富于同情心同理心以及专业知识(心理学、社会学、历史、文化...ect.)的视角和执业态度,每一章节不同的关注点,大量的therapy案例等等。是一场过瘾的阅读体验。
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Mackenzie的评论可以在spotify听她的couple therapy
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线条的评论从三角关系的每一个角,都站在那一个角的角度分析了。 到最后,所有的关系都是在于“我”和自己的关系。 比较好奇的是,作者到底有没有遵守保密原则?毕竟有连工作单位都有写出来的case。她是特别讨厌WHO那个女的嘛哈哈哈